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Fic: Because Superman is Not Evil
teapot
brown_betty
Te wrote To take up all my time, which reduced me to a shivering, quaking mass. I swore retaliation, and this is it. Dedicated, with much love and admiration, to the thete1. Thanks to petronelle for the instabeta, any errors are mine. DVD commentary of this fic may be found here.

Suitable for the mature, no spoilers, kind of silly.



Clark spent, perhaps, seventeen minutes when he was fourteen thinking super hearing was a cool power. He could hear earthworms, the radiation of stars filtering through the ozone, the underground passage of water, and old man McFerguson, jerking off in his barn. At least, Clark really, really hoped he was jerking off, but the agitated sound of the sheep... Clark tried not to think about it.

The problem, Clark quickly discovered, was that his hearing tended to pick up whatever was on his mind. Thinking about Lana? He could hear what she was humming, and the sound of her shoes on the linoleum. Thinking about Pa? He could hear him banging his knuckles on the tractor's recalcitrant engine. But at fourteen, what Clark spent a lot of time thinking about was sex. It was horrifying. The vast chasm between his fourteen year old sexual fantasies, and the people who were actually getting laid in Smallville, destroyed most of his sexual innocence in under a week. He learned to guard his mind from wandering by the end of the month. He still doesn't like to think about that month.

Now, of course, Clark has his hearing pretty well trained to listen for certain voices, certain words. "Hands up!" is a classic, as is, "Put the money in the bag!" so Clark zips over to First Metropolitan and gives the masked man a stern look. Out of towners. That's all it takes.

On the other hand, certain... frequencies penetrate his skull, no matter what he's listening for. Jimmy's signal watch, for one thing. And... Clark winces as he stops a mugging... a very amorous Siamese cat, somewhere in the Suicide Slum. Someone says, "Superman, help!" and he whooshes off to find them. The cat will become frustrated, eventually.

But not two hours later, when he's defeating a Brainiac clone, and not two and half hours later, when he's having a formulaic staring match with Luthor. Five hours later, it's still yowling its frustration to all of Metropolis. Or more accurately, a square block of the Suicide Slum, and Superman. Clark is beginning to be tempted to... not hurt it, but maybe... go... stare at it until it feels ridiculous? Give it a stern talking to?

He goes to the Planet, and finally writes the article he owes Perry, grinding his teeth to try to cover the noise.

"Headache, Clark?" asks Jimmy.

"You have no idea," he says fervently, as the cat once again climbs the unholy octave.

"Want me to go see if someone has aspirin?"

Clark wishes desperately his nervous system was so easily placated. "No. Thank you." The cat achieves a note the existence of which is not recognized by musical theory. Clark punches a hole in the underside of his desk with his thumb. "I... I'll just. I have to go... look at something. Excuse me."

Superman quickly zeros in on the cat where it's lodged in a tree, yodelling into the window of a warehouse. It doesn't count as using his powers for evil if he just... picks up the cat and... puts it down somewhere else, does it? Like, in Metropolis bay.

He picks up the cat by the scruff of its neck, and the thing is actually so startled that it stops. making. noise. Superman experiences a moment of blessed relief.

"Kal," says the darkness inside the warehouse. "I hope I'm not interrupting an important rescue operation." The amusement in Batman's voice is dark and heavy.

Superman does not strangle the cat. Because that would be using his powers for evil.

This is great. *I want an ending.*


(Er, that's me. Thought I was logged in.)

*bwahahaha*

*You* are evil. Can I be your minion? I'll help you and Batman put Siamese cats on trees and everything.

And then Clark retaliates by putting Selina in a tree, and eventually, the J'onn has to talk very sternly to them both.

I adore you so, so much. I may not even get nightmares tonight. Perhaps Jimmy could make a cat-frequency white noise generator? Batman absolutely could, but he'd never offer.

If only the darn cat would stick to one frequency. But the love song of a tom has an existence that cannot be contained in one dimension.

BWAH! Oh, I did not read that.

Then I needn't apologize.

Oh, my... hee! I love this. I love it when it's pointed out that superpowers are probably an annoyance at least as often as they're a benefit.


Adolescence is rough enough, without being the only one of your species, I always say.

Hee! Awesome. That is just awesome.

Thanks! Also, thank you for your enthusiastic promotion of my fic. I still get people wandering in from your lj! It's awesome!

YOU WIN.

Oh, Bruce. Don't you know that torturing small mammals is a sure sign of sociopathy? ...yes, nevermind.

He's not being tortured, he's in love.

Thanks!

AHAHAHHAHA. Okay, see, even your KITTENFIC rules. Because of course the cat would fall in lust with Batman. IT'S A CAT.

And just. *ha*.

CLARK.

*adores*

All. Your. Fault.

And Lois gets a professionally framed photo, one week later, entitled "Superman, rescuing a kitten from a tree." It cracks her up, so she puts it on the mantle, assuming its Jimmy, and Clark spends two weeks muttering under his breath until there's a horrifying super villain related redecorating event, and the picture is destroyed.

*laughs till she's sobbing*

*takes a deep shuddery breath*

*laughs some more*

*falls on floor, still laughing*

I find, in situations like this, it's important to have someone to blame: Te!

(Deleted comment)
Cats like Batman. He can't help it!

Uh... yeah. Te-fic. I think you can see how this was a reaction. Thanks for the feedback!

*giggles hysterically*

My father's second and fifth wife (same woman, different marriages) had Siamese cats. They used to sing every damn night. And this was on a 44' boat so there was no getting away from them.

There's a reason I've never Siamese cats and never will. My current cat just squeaks.

Time for disclosure: I've heard plenty of toms caterwaul, but never a Siamese, although I heard somewhere that there the worst. Is it so?

But he could strangle Batman, right? That wouldn't count, I'm sure.

No, no, no. Strangling Batman isn't evil. It's... making the world a more cheerful place!

oh HEART.

Yeah, that's all I got.

[Takes heart. Wraps in tissue]